There was a time in my marriage when my spouse and I felt more like roommates than lovers. We shared the same space, split the bills, and discussed logistics—who was picking up the groceries, when the kids’ dentist appointment was scheduled, and whose turn it was to take out the trash. But the spark that once made my heart race when I saw my partner walk into the room seemed to have dimmed.
If you’re reading this, you might be in a similar season—where passion has been replaced by routine. The good news? Feeling disconnected doesn’t mean your marriage is broken. It simply means your relationship needs intentional nurturing. Love isn’t something that just happens; it’s something you cultivate every day, especially after years together.
In this article, I’ll share practical, research-backed, and personally tested ways to rekindle your marriage and shift your dynamic from “roommates” back to “lovers.”
Why Do Couples Drift Into a “Roommate Phase”?
It’s completely normal for long-term couples to go through stages where they feel less connected. Some common reasons include:
- Life’s responsibilities taking over – Jobs, kids, bills, and aging parents can leave little time or energy for romance.
- Familiarity – What was once exciting now feels routine, and novelty fades.
- Communication gaps – Conversations become more about tasks than feelings.
- Neglecting intimacy – Physical and emotional closeness gets pushed aside.
I’ve seen this in my own marriage: we were so focused on surviving the daily grind that we forgot how to enjoy each other.
Practical Ways to Rekindle Your Marriage
1. Start With Small Acts of Affection
One of the easiest ways to rebuild closeness is through touch. When my spouse and I went through our “roommate phase,” I realized we barely hugged anymore. So, I made a conscious choice to initiate small touches: holding hands in the car, a kiss before leaving for work, or resting my head on their shoulder while watching TV.
Studies show physical touch releases oxytocin—the “bonding hormone”—which reduces stress and increases intimacy. Don’t underestimate the power of small, daily gestures.
2. Revisit Your Dating Days
Think back to when you first fell in love. What did you do together? Where did you go? For us, it was long coffee dates and spontaneous walks. Recreating those experiences brought back a sense of fun and nostalgia.
You don’t need an extravagant plan. Even cooking a favorite meal together, playing a board game, or watching your first movie as a couple can spark connection. The goal is to remind yourselves that you are more than just co-parents or bill-payers—you’re partners in love.
3. Communicate Beyond Logistics
During our “roommate phase,” I noticed that 90% of our conversations were about practical matters: schedules, chores, or finances. Rarely did we ask, “How are you really feeling?”
A turning point was when we started dedicating at least 10–15 minutes each night to non-logistical conversation. We’d share something we were grateful for, a dream we had, or even just laugh about a funny memory.
These moments reminded me why I fell in love in the first place: not because my spouse takes out the trash, but because they make me feel seen and understood.
4. Prioritize Intimacy
Physical intimacy isn’t everything, but it’s a vital part of a romantic relationship. During busy seasons, it’s easy for intimacy to fall to the bottom of the to-do list.
If that sounds familiar, here’s what helped us:
- Schedule intimacy (yes, really). It may sound unromantic, but planning shows that you prioritize it.
- Redefine intimacy as more than just sex—cuddling, kissing, or even sharing a long hug counts.
- Create the mood—soft lighting, music, or even sending a flirty text during the day.
Intimacy doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be meaningful.
5. Do Something New Together
Novelty reignites passion. Research shows that couples who try new activities together report higher satisfaction and closeness.
For us, it was taking a dance class. Neither of us knew what we were doing, which made it even more fun. The shared laughter and teamwork brought us closer than any dinner-and-a-movie routine ever could.
Ask yourself: What’s something we’ve never tried together? Maybe it’s hiking a new trail, learning a language, or tackling a DIY project. Fresh experiences create fresh memories.
6. Practice Gratitude Daily
Gratitude changes everything. I started a habit of telling my spouse one thing I appreciated about them each day—sometimes as simple as, “Thanks for making coffee this morning” or “I love how you always make me laugh.”
Soon, my spouse began doing the same. That daily exchange softened our hearts toward each other and shifted the atmosphere in our home. Gratitude turns your focus from what’s lacking to what’s abundant.
7. Seek Professional Support if Needed
Sometimes, the “roommate phase” is deeper than you can fix on your own. Therapy was a game-changer for us. A skilled counselor helped us break unhealthy communication patterns and guided us toward rebuilding intimacy.
There’s no shame in asking for help—sometimes the bravest thing you can do for your marriage is to admit you need a guide.
My Personal Transformation
Looking back, I realize that our “roommate phase” was actually a wake-up call. It forced us to stop taking our marriage for granted and to start investing in it again. Today, I don’t just see my spouse as my co-parent or partner in bills, but as the person I still want to hold hands with, laugh with, and grow old with.
Rekindling your marriage doesn’t happen overnight—it’s the result of daily, intentional choices. But trust me, those small steps add up to big changes.
Final Thoughts
If you’re stuck in the “roommate” phase, remember this: every marriage has seasons, and this one doesn’t have to be permanent. With effort, creativity, and intentional love, you can shift your relationship back to being lovers and best friends.
Start small. Hug a little longer. Laugh together. Try something new. And most importantly, never stop choosing each other.
Because at the end of the day, your marriage isn’t about chores, bills, or schedules—it’s about two people who once looked into each other’s eyes and said, “I choose you.”
