Fun Conversation Starters That Aren’t “Hey, How Are You?”

Starting a conversation in dating can feel surprisingly stressful, especially when you genuinely want to make a good impression without sounding forced, awkward, or generic. For many women, the struggle isn’t a lack of interest or confidence, but simply knowing what to say beyond the overused “Hey, how are you?” While that question is polite, it rarely sparks excitement or reveals anything meaningful about the person on the other side of the screen.

If you are looking for fun conversation starters that create real engagement, emotional connection, and memorable interactions, this guide is for you. Thoughtful opening lines can set the tone for an entire interaction, help you stand out, and attract men who are more intentional, curious, and emotionally available. The right question does more than get a reply, it opens a door to personality, values, humor, and chemistry.

Why Conversation Starters Matter More Than You Think

In modern dating, first impressions often happen through messages rather than face-to-face interactions. Research on online dating behavior consistently shows that personalized, curiosity-driven openers receive significantly higher response rates than generic greetings. When you ask a thoughtful or playful question, you communicate confidence, emotional intelligence, and genuine interest.

More importantly, strong conversation starters filter out mismatches early. A man who engages thoughtfully with your question is more likely to value communication and emotional connection. On the other hand, short or dismissive replies can signal low effort or misaligned intentions, saving you time and emotional energy.

The Psychology Behind a Great Opening Line

A powerful conversation starter does at least one of the following things. It invites storytelling rather than yes-or-no answers. It taps into emotion, humor, or imagination. It makes the other person feel seen, interesting, or appreciated. And it creates momentum, making the conversation feel easy and natural instead of forced.

When your message triggers curiosity or self-reflection, it activates a sense of reward in the brain. People enjoy talking about experiences, preferences, and meaningful moments. That is why well-crafted questions feel refreshing compared to repetitive small talk.

Playful and Lighthearted Conversation Starters

Playfulness lowers emotional defenses and creates instant warmth. These conversation starters are perfect for breaking the ice without pressure.

You could ask what small thing instantly improves their day. This question feels simple but often leads to surprisingly personal answers. Another option is asking what fictional world they would live in if they could choose one. It reveals imagination, interests, and even values in a fun way.

Asking about their go-to comfort food or favorite weekend ritual can also spark easy conversation. These topics feel safe but still give insight into lifestyle and personality. Humor-based questions, such as what song they secretly love or what they would do if they had a completely free day with no responsibilities, invite relaxed and genuine responses.

Conversation Starters That Reveal Personality

If you want to move beyond surface-level chat, ask questions that encourage reflection without feeling like an interview.

You might ask what they are currently learning or trying to improve in their life. This reveals self-awareness and growth mindset. Asking about a moment they felt proud of themselves can uncover values and emotional depth while creating a positive emotional association with you.

Another effective question is what kind of experience they value more than material things. This opens the door to conversations about travel, family, creativity, or personal growth. These types of questions help you quickly assess compatibility without being intrusive.

Flirty Conversation Starters That Feel Natural

Flirting does not have to be bold or sexual to be effective. Subtle curiosity combined with warmth often feels more attractive and emotionally safe.

You could ask what people tend to misunderstand about them at first. This invites vulnerability and creates intimacy early on. Another option is asking what kind of energy they appreciate most in a partner. This can gently lead into discussions about relationship expectations without pressure.

Compliment-based questions also work well when they focus on character rather than appearance. For example, asking what quality they value most about themselves communicates respect and emotional maturity while still feeling personal.

Conversation Starters Based on Shared Context

If you are using a dating app or met through social media, referencing something specific from their profile shows effort and attentiveness.

Commenting on a hobby, travel photo, or book they mentioned creates an instant connection point. Instead of simply stating you like the same thing, ask what they enjoy most about it or how they got into it. This transforms a shared interest into a meaningful conversation.

Context-based openers feel organic and reduce the awkwardness of starting from nothing. They also subtly communicate that you are selective and intentional rather than messaging out of boredom.

Deep Conversation Starters for Emotional Connection

When the timing feels right, deeper questions can create powerful emotional bonds.

You might ask what experience changed their perspective on relationships. This can lead to honest discussions about growth, lessons, and emotional maturity. Another thoughtful question is what makes them feel most understood by someone else.

Asking about values, such as what honesty means to them in a relationship or how they define emotional safety, helps you connect on a deeper level while assessing long-term compatibility.

How to Choose the Right Conversation Starter

The best conversation starter depends on your intention. If you want something light and fun, choose playful questions. If you want depth and connection, lean into reflective ones. If you want chemistry, subtle flirtation works best.

Pay attention to the flow of the conversation and be willing to adapt. A great opening line is not about being perfect, but about being present, curious, and authentic.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Avoid questions that feel like job interviews or emotional interrogations early on. Too many rapid-fire questions can overwhelm the other person. Also avoid negative or complaint-based openers, as they can set a heavy tone from the beginning.

Most importantly, do not overthink your message. Confidence often comes from simplicity and sincerity rather than cleverness.

Final Thoughts

You do not need a scripted line or a dramatic opener to create meaningful conversations in dating. What matters most is your intention. When you approach conversations with curiosity, warmth, and self-respect, you naturally attract people who value the same qualities.

By choosing conversation starters that invite openness and authenticity, you create space for genuine connection, emotional safety, and mutual interest. And that is far more powerful than any generic greeting could ever be.

Opening Lines That Get Men to Respond (Backed by Data)

Starting a conversation on a dating app can feel surprisingly difficult, especially for women who are genuinely looking for meaningful connections and not just casual attention. You may spend time choosing the right photos and writing a thoughtful bio, only to freeze when it comes to sending the first message. What should you say? How do you stand out without sounding forced? And what actually makes men respond?

The good news is that successful opening lines are not about being clever, flirty, or perfect. Data from dating apps, behavioral psychology, and communication studies consistently shows that men respond most to messages that feel personal, easy to reply to, and emotionally relaxed. In this article, you will learn which opening lines get the highest response rates, why they work, and how to use them in a way that feels natural and authentic to you.

Why Opening Lines Matter More Than You Think

On most dating apps, the first message sets the emotional tone for everything that follows. Men often decide whether to respond based not only on attraction, but on how easy and enjoyable the interaction feels in that first moment.

Data from dating platforms shows that messages which feel low-pressure and specific receive significantly higher response rates than generic greetings. An opening line is not meant to impress. It is meant to invite connection.

The Psychology Behind Why Men Respond

Men are more likely to respond when a message makes them feel three things. First, they feel seen as an individual rather than one of many matches. Second, they feel emotionally safe, meaning the message does not demand too much too fast. Third, they feel that responding will be easy.

Opening lines that trigger curiosity or recognition activate these responses. When a message feels personal but light, men are far more likely to reply.

Why “Hey” and “Hi” Rarely Work

Data consistently shows that single-word openers like “hey” or “hi” have the lowest response rates. This is not because men dislike them, but because they give no direction for conversation.

A message that requires effort to continue is often ignored, especially when someone is juggling multiple matches. Men are more responsive when the next step feels obvious.

The Power of Commenting on His Profile

One of the highest-performing opening strategies is referencing something specific from his profile. Messages that mention a photo, hobby, or line from his bio can increase response rates dramatically.

This works because it shows genuine interest and effort. It signals that you chose him intentionally rather than messaging out of boredom.

For example, commenting on a place he traveled to, a book he mentioned, or an activity he enjoys creates instant relevance. These messages feel personal without being invasive.

Open-Ended Questions That Invite Easy Replies

Questions are powerful, but only when they are easy to answer. Data shows that open-ended questions with a clear emotional direction perform far better than vague or overly complex ones.

Questions that begin with what, how, or which tend to invite storytelling rather than one-word answers. This helps conversations flow naturally from the start.

Simple curiosity feels more attractive than interrogation. One thoughtful question is often enough to start meaningful dialogue.

Why Light Humor Increases Response Rates

Messages that include light, natural humor tend to receive higher engagement. Humor reduces pressure and signals emotional intelligence. It also helps men feel relaxed about responding.

This does not mean forcing jokes or sarcasm. Observational humor or playful curiosity works best. The goal is not to be funny, but to be human.

Men often respond positively to messages that feel emotionally easy rather than performative.

Compliments That Actually Work

Compliments can be effective, but data shows that how you compliment matters more than what you say. Compliments focused on appearance alone tend to attract short-term interest, while compliments focused on personality, lifestyle, or choices lead to better conversations.

For example, noticing his sense of adventure, creativity, or calm energy can feel more meaningful than commenting only on looks. These compliments feel thoughtful and emotionally engaging.

When a compliment feels sincere and specific, men are more likely to respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

The Best Opening Lines Are Short and Focused

Long opening messages often perform worse than short, focused ones. Data shows that messages between one and two sentences receive higher response rates than long paragraphs.

Short messages feel easier to respond to and do not overwhelm the recipient. Clarity beats complexity every time.

Think of your opening line as a doorway, not the entire conversation.

Why Authenticity Beats Scripts Every Time

While data can guide you, authenticity is what sustains connection. Messages that sound copied or overly rehearsed often fall flat, even if they follow popular advice.

Men are surprisingly sensitive to emotional tone. They tend to respond more to messages that sound like a real person rather than a strategy.

Use examples as inspiration, not scripts. Adjust your language to match how you naturally speak.

Timing and Emotional Energy Matter

Studies on messaging behavior suggest that emotional energy plays a role in response rates. Messages sent when you feel calm, curious, and open tend to sound warmer than messages sent when you feel anxious or impatient.

Before sending an opening line, check in with your intention. Are you trying to get a response, or start a connection? That mindset subtly shapes your words.

How to Handle Non-Responses Without Self-Blame

Even the best opening lines will not get a response every time. Data shows that many non-responses have nothing to do with the message itself. People may be inactive, overwhelmed, or already focused on another conversation.

A lack of response is not a reflection of your worth, attractiveness, or communication skills. Detaching from outcomes helps you stay emotionally grounded and confident.

Consistency and emotional clarity matter more than any single message.

Final Thoughts: Opening Lines Are Invitations, Not Tests

The most effective opening lines are not about saying the perfect thing. They are about creating an emotional opening that feels safe, personal, and easy to step into.

When you approach messaging with curiosity instead of pressure, you naturally increase your chances of meaningful responses. Let data guide you, but let authenticity lead you.

Dating is not about performing for attention. It is about inviting the right connection to meet you where you are.

How to Write a Dating App Bio That Gets Genuine Attention

For many women, writing a dating app bio can feel more intimidating than choosing the right photos. You may wonder how much to share, what to avoid, and how to sound confident without trying too hard. If you are looking for genuine attention rather than endless swipes and shallow messages, your bio plays a powerful role in shaping who reaches out to you and why.

A well-written dating app bio is not about impressing everyone. It is about clearly expressing who you are, what you value, and what kind of connection you are open to. This guide is designed for women seeking meaningful dating advice and will walk you through how to write a dating app bio that attracts emotionally available, respectful, and compatible matches.

Why Your Dating App Bio Matters More Than You Think

While photos create the first impression, your bio creates context. It gives your matches a reason to message you and helps them understand your personality beyond your appearance. Many men read bios to decide whether a woman is serious, approachable, and aligned with their intentions.

A thoughtful bio filters out low-effort messages and attracts people who are willing to engage in real conversation. It sets the emotional tone for your dating experience before the first message is ever sent.

The Purpose of a Great Dating App Bio

Your bio has three main goals. First, it should express your personality in a way that feels natural. Second, it should communicate your values and intentions without sounding rigid or defensive. Third, it should invite conversation rather than close it off.

A strong bio feels like an introduction, not a list of demands. It creates curiosity and emotional safety at the same time.

Start With Who You Are, Not What You Want

One common mistake women make is focusing too much on what they want in a partner. While preferences matter, starting your bio with a list of requirements can feel overwhelming or transactional.

Instead, begin with who you are. Share a few honest details about your personality, lifestyle, or what brings you joy. This helps readers imagine you as a real person rather than a profile.

For example, mentioning what excites you about life or how you spend your weekends can feel far more engaging than listing traits you expect in someone else.

Use Warm, Natural Language

The tone of your bio matters as much as the content. Warm, conversational language feels more inviting than overly formal or sarcastic phrasing. Write as if you are introducing yourself to someone you might actually want to meet.

Avoid negative statements about dating apps, past relationships, or things you dislike. Even if these feelings are valid, negativity can unintentionally push away emotionally healthy matches.

Focus on what you enjoy, what you appreciate, and what you are open to discovering.

Be Specific Without Over-Explaining

Specific details make your bio memorable. Instead of saying you like travel, mention a favorite place or the kind of trips you enjoy. Instead of saying you love food, share a dish or experience that excites you.

At the same time, keep your bio balanced. Over-explaining every detail can feel overwhelming. A few vivid details are enough to create interest and spark conversation.

Specificity shows self-awareness, which is highly attractive.

Show Emotional Availability Through Your Words

Many women want to attract partners who are emotionally mature and serious about connection. Your bio can subtly communicate this by how you express yourself.

Using phrases that suggest openness, curiosity, and emotional presence can make a big difference. Mentioning values like growth, communication, or kindness without sounding preachy signals that you are ready for a healthy connection.

Emotionally available people tend to recognize and respond to emotional clarity.

Avoid Clichés and Overused Phrases

Certain phrases appear so often in dating app bios that they lose their impact. Statements like loving to laugh, being easygoing, or enjoying adventures are vague and forgettable.

Instead of using clichés, describe what those words mean to you. How do you like to laugh? What does adventure look like in your life? Personalizing these ideas makes your bio feel genuine.

Originality does not mean being clever. It means being honest in your own voice.

Invite Conversation With Gentle Prompts

A great bio gives someone an easy way to start a conversation. Including a question or a light prompt can encourage thoughtful messages rather than generic greetings.

This could be a curiosity about favorite books, meaningful experiences, or simple joys. The goal is to make it easy for the right person to engage without pressure.

Conversation-friendly bios tend to receive higher-quality messages.

Be Honest About Your Intentions Without Being Rigid

If you are looking for a serious relationship, it is okay to say so. Clarity is attractive when expressed calmly and confidently. You do not need to justify or over-explain your intentions.

Avoid language that sounds defensive or dismissive. Instead of stating what you do not want, focus on what you are open to building.

Confidence in your intentions signals emotional maturity and self-respect.

Keep It Updated and Aligned With Your Life

Your bio should reflect who you are now. As your life changes, your bio should evolve with you. An outdated bio can attract mismatched connections or create confusion.

Revisiting your bio regularly helps ensure alignment between your online presence and your real-life self.

Authenticity creates better first conversations and more satisfying connections.

Final Thoughts: Let Your Bio Be an Invitation, Not a Performance

Writing a dating app bio that gets genuine attention is not about saying the perfect thing. It is about being clear, warm, and honest about who you are and what you value.

When your bio feels like an authentic invitation rather than a performance, it naturally attracts people who resonate with your energy. Quality connections begin with clarity, and your words have the power to create that clarity.

What Men Actually Want to See in Your Dating App Photos

When it comes to online dating, many women feel pressure to present a perfect version of themselves. Filters, trendy poses, and carefully curated images can make a profile look polished, but they do not always create real attraction or emotional connection. If you are a woman seeking meaningful dating advice, it is important to understand what men actually respond to when they look at dating app photos.

Contrary to popular belief, most men are not looking for perfection. They are looking for clarity, authenticity, and emotional openness. Your photos are not just about how you look. They are about how you make someone feel in the few seconds they spend deciding whether to swipe right. This article explores what men truly want to see in your dating app photos and how you can use that insight to increase both your match rate and the quality of your connections.

Why Dating App Photos Matter More Than Words

Before reading your bio, most men form an initial impression based entirely on your photos. These images help them answer unspoken questions. Are you approachable? Are you genuine? Do you seem emotionally available? Do you look like someone they could enjoy spending time with?

Strong photos remove uncertainty. They make it easy for the right person to feel curious and confident about starting a conversation with you.

What Men Notice First in Dating App Photos

Men typically notice your face first. Clear facial features, eye contact, and a relaxed expression immediately draw attention. This does not mean you need heavy makeup or professional lighting. Natural light and a clean background are often more effective.

Men also subconsciously pick up on your energy. Photos that feel warm, open, and natural tend to create a stronger emotional response than overly posed or distant images.

A Clear, Natural Headshot

One of the most important things men want to see is a clear photo of your face. A headshot in natural lighting, where your face is fully visible, builds trust instantly.

Sunglasses, extreme angles, or excessive editing can create confusion or skepticism. Men often swipe left not because a woman is unattractive, but because they feel unsure about what she really looks like.

A gentle smile or relaxed expression works better than a serious or seductive pose. Warmth is far more inviting than intensity.

Authenticity Over Perfection

Men are drawn to women who appear comfortable with themselves. Photos that look overly staged or heavily filtered can feel emotionally distant.

Authentic photos suggest emotional maturity and confidence. They signal that you are not trying to impress everyone, but rather attract someone who appreciates you as you are.

Candid moments, natural poses, and real-life settings often outperform polished studio-style images.

A Full-Body Photo That Feels Natural

Many women avoid posting full-body photos out of self-consciousness, but including one actually increases trust. Men appreciate transparency. A natural full-body photo helps set realistic expectations and reduces uncertainty.

This does not need to be a swimsuit or gym photo. A casual outfit that reflects your everyday style is more than enough. Confidence comes from comfort, not exposure.

When your body language is relaxed and natural, it communicates self-acceptance, which is deeply attractive.

Photos That Show Your Lifestyle

Men are curious about what life with you might feel like. Lifestyle photos help answer that question. Whether you enjoy travel, cooking, reading, fitness, or quiet moments at a café, these images add depth to your profile.

Choose activities you genuinely enjoy. Pretending to live a lifestyle that is not yours may attract attention, but it rarely leads to compatibility.

Men looking for meaningful connections often respond strongly to photos that suggest balance, joy, and emotional stability.

Approachability and Warm Energy

One of the most overlooked factors in dating app photos is approachability. Men often hesitate to message women who appear intimidating or emotionally closed off.

Photos where you look relaxed, engaged, and open send a powerful signal. Open body language, soft facial expressions, and natural eye contact create a sense of safety and ease.

This does not mean you need to smile in every photo, but your overall energy should feel inviting rather than distant.

Minimal Filters and Honest Presentation

Honesty in photos matters more than many people realize. Men value profiles that match real-life appearance. When photos feel misleading, trust is broken before the first date even happens.

Using minimal editing shows self-respect and confidence. It also attracts men who value authenticity and emotional connection over surface-level perfection.

Honest photos create better first dates because expectations align with reality.

Confidence Without Over-Sexualization

There is a difference between confidence and over-sexualization. While revealing photos may attract attention, they often attract men who are focused on physical appeal rather than emotional connection.

Men who are ready for something real tend to respond more positively to subtle confidence. A well-fitted outfit, good posture, and a calm presence can be far more attractive than provocative poses.

Your photos should reflect how you want to be seen and treated.

What Men Do Not Want to See

Men often swipe left on profiles with unclear faces, excessive group photos, or images where it is difficult to identify who you are. Photos that appear negative, bored, or emotionally closed can also reduce interest.

Avoid photos that feel outdated, heavily edited, or disconnected from your true lifestyle. Consistency and clarity build attraction far more effectively than shock value.

How to Choose Photos That Attract the Right Men

Instead of asking how to get more matches, ask how to get better matches. The right photos act as emotional filters. They attract people who resonate with your energy and intentions while gently discouraging those who do not.

When your photos reflect self-awareness, honesty, and emotional availability, you naturally invite healthier connections.

Final Thoughts: Let Your Photos Speak With Integrity

Men are not looking for perfection, and they are not all looking for the same thing. But the men who are emotionally available and relationship-minded tend to respond to the same qualities: authenticity, warmth, confidence, and clarity.

Your dating app photos should feel like an honest introduction, not a performance. When you allow yourself to be seen as you truly are, you make it easier for the right person to recognize you and choose you.

Photos You Should Avoid on Dating Apps (And What to Post Instead)

Choosing the right photos for your dating app profile can feel surprisingly stressful, especially for women who are genuinely looking for meaningful connections rather than surface-level attention. While many articles focus on what you should post, it is equally important to understand which photos quietly sabotage your match rate and attract the wrong kind of interest.

Your profile photos are not just images. They are emotional signals. They communicate your self-awareness, boundaries, confidence, and intentions long before anyone reads your bio. This in-depth guide will help you recognize which photos to avoid on dating apps and what to post instead if you want to attract emotionally available, respectful, and compatible partners.

Why the Wrong Photos Attract the Wrong Matches

Dating apps are designed for fast decisions. People make assumptions within seconds based on visual cues. Certain photos unintentionally send messages that do not align with your true intentions. When this happens, you may receive plenty of matches but very few meaningful conversations.

Avoiding the wrong photos helps filter out people who are not aligned with your values. Choosing better alternatives increases both the quality and consistency of your matches.

Group Photos Where It Is Unclear Who You Are

Photos with friends can be fun, but when your face is hard to identify, it creates confusion. If someone has to guess which person you are, they are more likely to swipe away than investigate.

What to post instead is a clear solo photo where your face is fully visible. If you include a group photo later in your profile, make sure you are clearly recognizable and that it is not your first image. Your primary goal is clarity, not mystery.

Overly Edited or Heavily Filtered Photos

Filters that dramatically alter your face can lower trust. While they may attract attention, they often lead to disappointment and skepticism. Many people associate heavy filters with insecurity or a lack of authenticity.

What to post instead is a naturally lit photo with minimal editing. Soft lighting, clean backgrounds, and genuine expressions will always outperform artificial perfection. Authenticity is one of the strongest signals of emotional maturity.

Mirror Selfies and Bathroom Photos

Mirror selfies, especially in bathrooms, often feel low-effort and impersonal. They can unintentionally signal that you rushed your profile or did not take the process seriously.

What to post instead is a photo taken by someone else or set up using a timer. Outdoor shots, café settings, or simple home environments with natural light create a warmer and more intentional impression.

Photos With Ex-Partners or Cropped-Out People

Photos where someone has clearly been cropped out raise immediate questions. Even if the photo looks good, it can suggest unresolved emotional baggage or a lack of awareness.

What to post instead is a photo that stands on its own. Choose images created specifically for your dating profile or moments where you were genuinely enjoying yourself independently.

Overly Sexy or Provocative Photos

Photos that focus heavily on cleavage, body parts, or seductive poses often attract attention but not the kind most women seeking healthy relationships want. These images may unintentionally invite objectification rather than genuine interest.

What to post instead is a photo that shows confidence through posture, style, and presence. A well-fitted outfit, relaxed body language, and a natural smile can be far more attractive than overt sexuality.

Photos That Hide Your Face

Sunglasses, hats pulled low, hair covering your face, or photos taken from far away can create emotional distance. If people cannot clearly see your face, they may assume you are hiding something.

What to post instead is a well-lit photo where your eyes and facial features are clearly visible. Eye contact in photos creates a sense of connection and trust, even through a screen.

Old or Outdated Photos

Using photos from many years ago can lead to uncomfortable first meetings and broken trust. Even small changes in appearance can feel significant when expectations do not match reality.

What to post instead is a recent photo taken within the last year. Your profile should reflect who you are now, not who you used to be. Confidence comes from alignment between your online presence and real-life self.

Photos That Do Not Match Your Intentions

Party-heavy photos, excessive alcohol-focused images, or chaotic environments may send mixed signals if you are looking for a serious relationship. People interpret your photos as clues about your lifestyle and priorities.

What to post instead is a balanced mix of lifestyle photos that reflect your everyday life. Calm, joyful, and meaningful moments tend to attract emotionally stable and intentional partners.

Negative or Low-Energy Photos

Photos where you look bored, annoyed, or emotionally closed can subtly repel potential matches. Even if you think you look mysterious, the energy may come across as unapproachable.

What to post instead is a photo that captures warmth and openness. You do not need a big smile in every picture, but relaxed facial expressions and open body language make a noticeable difference.

What High-Quality Profile Photos Have in Common

Strong dating app photos share several key qualities. They are clear, recent, well-lit, and emotionally engaging. They show different aspects of your personality without feeling chaotic or overly curated.

A great profile usually includes a clear headshot, a full-body photo, and one or two lifestyle images that reflect your interests. Each photo should serve a purpose and support the story you want to tell.

How to Think About Photos as Emotional Filters

Your photos are not meant to attract everyone. They are meant to attract the right people. When you choose images that reflect your boundaries, self-respect, and emotional availability, you naturally filter out incompatible matches.

This mindset shift can make online dating feel less exhausting and more empowering. Quality always matters more than quantity.

Final Thoughts: Choose Alignment Over Attention

Avoiding the wrong photos is just as powerful as choosing the right ones. When your dating app photos align with who you are and what you want, you create space for healthier conversations and deeper connections.

You do not need to perform, impress, or compete. You simply need to be visible, honest, and intentional. The right photos will attract people who appreciate you for who you truly are, not just how you look.